Occupation: Ornament

(or)

How to Be Used at Your Own Expense

Seeing that I despise wearing make-up, enjoy my comfortable, ill- fitting trousers, and avoid deodor- ants and most perfumes, I never thought I'd make a suitable orna- ment for anyone. Within the past year, however, I've learned that just by being Black, I qualify highly for this job. All womyn of color are eligible. Below, you will find some handy tips on applying for the pos- ition of ORNAMENT and on how to be- have on the job.

Step 1--First, you befriend a white woman who is trying too hard not to be a racist.

Step 2--Even though she ignores you on the street, accept any invi- tations to her potlucks, sing-a-longs and holiday dinners. She is now your Hostess. If after three of her par- ties, you notice that you are still the only woman of color present out of 23 womyn, you can assume you are being hired to add that touch of exotic col- or to the monochromatic "get-togeth-

ers."

That's the job of an ORNAMENT.

By this time, you may begin feel- ing a strange loneliness. Ignore it. Wait a month or two; someone else who's trying too hard not to be racist will inform your Hostess that your lone presence gives a tokenish appearance (and that it doesn't look good for the Hostess). This someone will suggest to your Hostess that more womyn like you at- tend the next brunch. Don't panic! You haven't lost your position as ornament

. your hostess will merely provide you with companionship to keep you from noticing you've been tokenized for a spell. Your Hostess may or may not tell you of the addition (she may want to surprise you).

I warn you, working as an Ornament is not an easy job. In fact, it is quite tiring responding politely to those dull (often patronizing) ques- tions. After all no one's inter- ested in what you're feeling only how you're looking. But don't let this small drawback keep you from attending the brunch.

Step 3--When you awaken on the morning of the brunch, remind yourself of the importance of meeting other wo- myn of color. You may need to remind yourself repeatedly, seeing how you will be meeting them in a forced, un- natural setting.

5

by Sarita Johnson

Step 4--While you make your way to the brunch, you might be overtaken by a shortness of breath and tightening of the muscles similar to the stage fright you experienced in second grade when the teacher pushed you onto the nativ- ity scene as one of the shepherds al- ong Mary, Joseph and Baby Jesus. fret. This is natural. Keep walking.

Don't

Step 5--When you see the other womyn of color nearing your destina- tion, squelch any mental references to Jim Jones. This is a friendly brunch, and your Hostess is only concerned with your comfort.

Step 6--Finally you arrive. In- troductions are always awkward for most persons, so don't show distaste when your Hostess introduces you three times to each woman of color. She really wants you to meet the other ornaments. After you've been introduced to each other, sprinkle yourselves among the white guests. For ornaments to group together into one block of col- or can arouse suspicions and lead to trouble, perhaps even a union! Above all, look happy!

Step 7-- Probably the most diffi- cult part of the brunch will be the pre-meal discussion. It's usually a dry, safe political discussion forced into the air by an experienced brunch goer. Lean forward and try to appear interested.

Although they enjoy dominating the conversation, your Hostess and her friends will be sure to ask for your opinion whenever the words Lesbian of Color, BLACK and AFFIRMATIVE ACTION mag- ically appear during the discussion. I suggest you respond with "The oppres- sion of black people is an unfortunate thing, yes indeed," in all instances. Your Hostess will be pleased. Don't forget to smile.

Step 8--By the time the food is served, you and the other womyn of col- or may experience a loss of appetite due to the prolonged, nauseating conversa- tion. If such is the case, begin using your plate as a Temporary Resting Shield. Sit back. Relax. Take small fork-fulls of food and chew slowly. Nod in agree- ment when necessary. When you see a ques- tion aimed your way, conveniently place the fork of food 3/8" from your open mouth. A Hostess would have to be pretty rude to keep you from finishing your bite. Don't feel guilty; you'll need the rest.

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